very upset today

I force myself to be harsh to him...
talk alot of harsh words to hurt him..
after saying those words..tears started to drop..
because this is not me...i have not used harsh words on him for these years..
it hurts ...really hurts and my heart feel so pain...
but i know that i have got no choice but to move on...
because he cant change and i cant accept this kind of life style
best for everybody ...i guess this is the only way.
but really it's very hurting.
i am not sure after losting him what will my life be ?
but for him ..i think it would be better because debt can clear and can
gain back his freedom ..and to go overseas to work...etc
but it's just really very hurt...
and tears kept dropping down.
after housing matters , next got to settle our marriage problem...
i feel so stress... i feel so pressure.
and i have to act like i dont love him anymore...
i really dont know..
but someone was telling me...would you rather your child got a bad example to
follow and have a unhappy mum or would you rather he dont have this father
but got a happy mum to live with ? quite true...but it just hurts !

what is the real feeling?

saw a lot of brain dead example...
but who can tell me how do it feel for heart dead ?
is it painful ? or will it be something like no feelings ?
i wonder ?!?
i nearly get into a stage that i go crazy ..
nearly ! lucky i suddenly think of my boy and i tell myself i cannot allow
such things to happen to myself...
u know that kind of feeling where u take a train and feel everybody is soooo noisy and u really feel like cannot take the noise...
last night or i should say this morning at 4am... he came back with the whole
body full of the strong perfume smell...
i hate it... whole night i got headache because of the smell , i cant sleep...
someone pls tell me how to let heart die...
i can see it coming to an end ! soon ... very soon !!!
this is a promise to myself.

What next ?

Have been missing in action for the last month ...
because i have been very confuse about my life...
my career , my family everything... is in a mess.
Career is not getting anywhere..focus is different..
wish to get out of it asap...
home... even worse , why ? my life is never smooth...
i just want a normal family that every one concern and love each other..
am i asking for too much ? i just want everyone to do their part , am i asking
for too much ? why cant he be just a normal husband ?
i am getting confuse and tired !
everything is not getting anywhere!