人善被人欺，马善被人骑 !!!

我是个蛮为人着想的人，可以很随便…
这也就形成了他往往以为我没有要求。
我不是个不讲道理的人，是看情况的。
好想昨晚我就开玩笑的说：明天你载我上班好吗？我的伤口有点痛。
他回答，车油贵。
哈哈！
多好笑的答案，他每天没有头绪的驾着车到处乱跑，这难到不会浪费车油吗？
原来我连车油都不值…

今天早上，我叫醒他陪我去吃早餐，
我心想，去某某地铁站那里吃，我会比较方便，地铁也没那么挤。
当然他没那么细心。

他爱说：action speak louder then words.
那他的Action真的让我觉得他不在乎我。
如果朋友叫他去这去那，他一定照办，那我宁愿做他的朋友跟好。
平时我会无所谓，可是今天的情况是我的伤口痛。
难道做丈夫的疼疼妻子都不行吗？
在他心里自己永远排第一，朋友排第二…我排第几？不知道…
只知道，his action already speak for him.
他现在也一定在认为我无理取闹，
可是他忘了我的感受，
忘了put himself in my shoe to think.
忘了如果爱我，关心我。

不要以为我什么都无所谓。

我要人家疼，要人家真的关心。

At home...

Was on urgent leave today...
Due to i am sick...
Whole day so boring at home...
Sleep a little , watch dvd etc...
Alone ...bore...
Boy very sweet ...b4 he go for school...
he say mummy have a nice day !
Recently doctor visit again and again..
Went on Tues..wed for injection , sat follow up and next tues result...
all cost $$$...
Never let my mum and sis know..coz they will get worry .

健康是很重要的！

真的这样觉得，
没有了健康，有再大的理想，心愿，也没有用。
以前的我是个知足常乐，天蹋了当被盖的人，
可能随着年龄的增长，人要面对的事不一样了，
变得多愁善感，笑容也少了。
好想回到以前那笑容满面的自己！

不闻不问

终于平安的度过了第一个礼拜，可是还有9个礼拜要过。
太可怕了。
昨晚家婆问我为什么她儿子每天脸黑黑，
脸臭臭，
说话那么大声，
心不甘，情不愿…
真的很好笑，
因为家里的人现在才感觉到事情的严重性。
有时候真的不得不佩服他们的不闻不问。

成功是要付出代价的。

我也不例外…
要成功看到自己的婚姻开花结果，真的要付出很大的代价。
感觉自己真的不该得到如此的对待，
但是路是自己选择的又能怎么样？
怪自己太高估自己，
一直以来以为可以用真诚感动他，
以为可以用真爱感化他，
以为可以用耐心改变他，
以为可以用金钱买他的时间…
原来这一切都是我的一厢情愿…
不但感动不了他，
反而让他觉得我很烦，时不时就和我吵架。
知道他烦，我也很烦…
他只需要烦自己的事，
而我除了烦他的事还要烦自己和儿子的事…
真的很烦，很累。

Have deepavali !

Went wake boarding with hubby and friends yesterday...
and although i don have the guts to join in but i am just very happy
that i am there to be a nanny for my son as well as another kid
(my friend's son)...i love family outing...and the kids enjoy it too...
Hubby is good at all sports..he learn things very fast...
sometimes i will feel that i am so stupid coz none of the sports i am able
to play well like he do...i am more to the quiet kind...i love ktv , read books,
watch drama etc...very boring rite...maybe he find me boring too...

Today is Public holiday, glad that i had another day to rest..
But i know something is very wrong with my body..
will be going for a check up tomorrow...
honestly i am scare..but no choice i guess i will have to face it.
And the person who will accompany me to the doc tomorrow is actually my boss..
ha ha very funny rite...why is it not my hubby ? well i got nothing to say..
i choose this road myself , i will have to face it..even if at the end this
relationship dont bear fruits...
my boss is a very down to earth and family person..
he really take good care of me like a daughter...
I love my family, my mum , my sis , my son and also my hubby...

Long weekend ..

Not sure what should i do ? and where will i be going...
Guess today is as usual..busy with my son...
And one good news is i am giving my son crocodile essence..
since last week.. result so far so good ! keep my finger cross.
No choice as long as anything can cure his cough , how
expensive i also have to buy...
It cost me $38 for 6 bottles..
for the 1st week he will have to take it for 1 week.
and after that is 2 times per week...
it taste a bit smelly but i am glad he still force himself to drink.
Coz he knows it's good for his cough.
I am proud to have him as my son !

Making yourself feel good !

Dressing up can improve my mood.
I realise this is true for me coz i will feel real good.
But very troublesome and lazy at times coz my eyes tends to get very dry when i wear lens and it's almost impossible to wear it every day.
But with glasses i look kind of aunty lor.

So much has happen and lucky i am still in one piece. Ha ha.
My friend say soon i will become 女强人。
Actually it's not that i am scare of hubby nor am i feeding his gamble habit.
But really 遇到了真的没有办法逃，只希望他不要再给家里带来不必要的麻烦。
我有全力保护我家的老，小…
不能给儿子的童年挂上阴影…
不是因为我很伟大。。只是现在还是他的老婆。。i still have to do my part i suppose..
Can't be ignoring and seeing him going down the drain and just let him drown rite..
我不是圣人。。只是一个凡人。。
但我真心希望他好。
毕竟我们深爱过 ！
Appleteas 不要想太多了，船到桥头自然直 ！

今天我的心态是：珍惜眼前所有的！

一个人是不是真的在乎你…真的可以用我们的心来感受到。
真的在乎一个人是会随着他的心情起伏儿影响自己的。
真的在乎一个人是会为了他儿赴汤蹈火。

太在乎也不好！很矛盾吧！

在乎得多或少是很难衡量的…
每个人心中都有一把尺，长度都不一样。
这也说明了为什么会有，
你在乎得多，
我在乎得少，的说法了。

今天我的心态是：珍惜眼前所有的！
因为人的生命很脆弱，
今天不知明日事，
想多了也没有用…
知道的越多，失望的越大。
天真无邪也许是好的。
幼稚是没有办法一夜间变成熟的，除非他自己醒悟…
江山易改，本性难移。

地球不会为了你的不开心而停止旋转…日子还是要过。

朋友们就让我们愉快的过每一天，说容易..但是我们一定要对自己好一点，
因为他们不会因为我们的不开心而伤心，哪怕烦恼是他们造成的。

Blog

A friend told me that i should be posting happy things instead of sad things in my blog..
He asked "why do u wan to remember all the sad things?"
I think for a while.. My answer is a blog is for me to honestly voice out my feeling be it happy or sad..
And if u r a follower in my blog, u should have know and realise that i have change alot and i take things more easy now
compare to last time and in my blog i do have happy postings too..
So don assume.
I will still cont to write and don force yourself to read if u don wan to..
I write to vex my feelings and not to write to lie abt all the good things to hope more ppl will come it to read.
and at the same time lie to myself that i am happy..who don't wish to be happy ???
And further more currently i really cant think of any happy things.
Money problem , marriage problem , health problem..how to be happy...
But of coz i dont pull a long black face daily lar...i still smile to ppl and i really don look like i am troubled.
I am not a young little girl.. those things abt wow i have kfc for lunch today or i saw a handsome guy today etc is just not my type.
Ok enough abt this friend of mine.

Back to myself.. I am not a 婆妈 person..
I have my own mind but i consider too much on other ppl feeling.
I think for my love ones before i think for myself but 吃力不讨好never get appreciated.
I am consider independent.
It not that i don know wat is good for me but i really don wish to cause a person to give up on himself just bcoz i ask for a divorce.
and i also don wan to make the wrong move..
Many may think this is stupid but i am a very 感情用事的人。
I am born like that.
Honestly i did think of dxxxxxx.. Is just that i got to think twice.
I am a person who is once decided nothing can change my mind..
So i am scare to decide. Ha ha confuse rite.
I guess the feeling is still there...so it's not so easy !

Most of the time he can't seem to understand my point of view...
a very stubbon and unreasonable person.
He is not a person that will do some soul searching..
I am worried , very very worried about what will come next...
It's not fully because of $ matters that cause the hiccup in our marriage..
money matter - 20%
affair matters - 30%
unreasonable behaviour - 50%
爱会让人失去自我

我不会选择怨恨。
毕竟爱一个人很难，恨一个人也很难。
怨恨只会让人遮蔽了双眼，看不清路的方向，
伤害自己的同时亦伤害了爱自己的人。

Thank god !

Was so bore in office today...coz cannot log into msn , blog etc...
Help...life can be so bore without all these..
And to make matter worse...no call from him till now.
Not sure why am i still looking forward for his call..
Tot have more or less make up my mind ?
Not sure what to post today...coz feeling very confuse abt my own life..
Only thing that i can think of is , i thank god for giving me a stable job,
wonderful boss and a well behave son.
As for my marriage life...although it seem in a mess but
i do have my happy moments during these 7 years..
To be fair , he did bring me happiness.
Whatever the outcome will be , i do not wan to hate him...
I really did love him till now...
Mayb it's good that he leave me alone during this time...
to be fair to me i guess...
Mayb we really not meant to be husband and wife...
Mayb it's better if we remain just friends...
Coz this is not the marriage life that i wan..
I hate to have diiner alone ..
For my dear son...maybe i should really give it a real good thought...
Maybe , Maybe , Maybe.....
Maybe he may find someone who is more suitable for him ...
Give myself 50 marks only.

Go slow ...

I used to love weekends...when i can see my boyfriend (current husband)
and able to spend time with him etc..
But now i really find weekend very bore..
beside spending time with my boy..bring him for lesson etc..
seem nothing to look forward to...
as usual ..but this weekend got more housework to do coz mil not in town.
as for me and him.. as usual ..no improvement..
most of the time he simply don understand what i am say...
eg..i told him he is not a responsible father...
then he can answer back and say since u say i not responsible then u
handle everything yourself lor...
very childish rite...

.......

Again on urgent leave..sooner or later my boss will ask me to get out.
Reason no one can help take care of the little one.
Did not send him to school coz his cough still very bad.
And i feel like a single mother today..who have to handle every single
little thing by myself...
Reason , i don have a supporting husband and don have a responsible husband.
He is now still in his dream land.
If u ask me , i know i can handle alot of things by myself ...
but i just simply refuse to walk out of this marriage life..
Maybe i am afraid to be alone...
Maybe i am scare that i don have a person to hug when i am down...

If i really walk out.. i knew i will not have a chance to re marry..
who would one a buy one get one free....

I fail today again 40 marks...

Feeling down.

Today i fail...only get 40 marks...
took half day to take care of my boy...very headache..
nearly 365 days cough...now sure what to do with him..
heartache to see him cough till like that...
tried western and chinese all also like that.
Well i am the mother..taking care of him is my responsible..no choice.

The person who makes me feel so down is him again..
Once i reach home...he goes out ..never ever come home for dinner ..
even when i took the trouble to cook...

Still call and tell me no choice but have to gamble...really Fxxx off ..
Not sure how long can stand him...
very very fed up...

MIL not in this whole week..never ever help up with the kids..
always think there are people who will help and he is that kind of
people who only do big thing...shit man.

I hate it when he always put me last...
everytime is friends come 1st..
even at this kind of situation that i stand by him..but i am still last..

Appleteas when will u ever wake up...
Stop hurting yourself...this kind of man who dont even know
how to treasure family and u...wan him for Fxxx.

I really don know and dont understand myself...
what am i waiting for ?
how many times must i get hurt to wake up...

Useless appleteas !!!

做个负责任的人。

人不怕犯错，
错了，要了解到底错在那里？
要如何去改善…
错了，要懂得如何去面对现实，如何去扛起这个责任。

只是懂得是自己造成而不懂得有必要去改，
去勇敢面对的人，
意味着想逃避现实，
逃避责任的人其实是弱者…

世界不会因为谁而末日，
人不会因为没有谁而失去生命！

日子还是要照常过，
只是要过得开心或者不开心，自己决对可以掌控…
自己活的痛苦万分，
但是他知道吗？
知道了，又怎样？
会陪着您一起流泪吗？值得吗？

如果你现在有个真心爱你的伴侣，请珍惜这份缘，
好好的爱你的他…不要呼呼呵呵。
如果现在的你是一个人要走出这个伤心的阴影，
请好好爱自己，相信自己一定可以挨过，婚姻不是生命的全部…

儿我目前选择了‘不攻’，‘不退’…
但是我会尽量让自己开心。
( 也许我是在自欺欺人，但我会加油！）

听天由命吧！

回来了几天，一切都是老样子，这个世界不会因为你的不存在儿改变什么！
心情也越来越沉重…所有的问题还是存在的。
离开不能解决问题，只是让自己暂时逃避一下…让自己回避一下…

老实说，我知道放弃是对大家好的。
可是，就是牵连了太多的感情，现实生活的问题，孩子的成长过程，等等…
只怪自己是个拿得起但放不下的人。

看见他那心事重重，好忧郁的样子…我会心痛。
我也好希望他顺利…
几次好言相劝都无济于事…

人都很奇怪，每次遇到困难，就会想要逃避…
我的他天真的想到外国去工作，
对他来说：外国的月亮终是比较圆…唉！
是真的想好好重新开始，还是在逃避现实？
这已经不重要了，不管结局是什么，
该说的，该劝的，我都做了。

听天由命吧！

posting about my japan trip / osaka

07 Oct 08

I left sin with a broken heart... but i tell myself ..i got work to do and students to look after..

After a 6h 25 min flight..i am really a little tired coz i can never really sleep well on board..

I had salmon rice on board for breakfast..not very nice but at least something to fill up my

empty tummy.

Upon arrival head straight to osaka castle museum,

nothing really interesting there coz i don understand japanese lang and it's all abt history.

and got to climb up to 8th storey..can die man.

Had my lunch at the foot of the castle...the look already tell u it taste nice...

cost around 1000yen...and i had the best selling chestnut ice cream ,taste yummy cost

me 300yen...

At nite back to hotel..room was small but location very good...

p/s : hate nite when i am free..coz will think of him...

not a single call ..has he forget abt me ? did he really wan me to give up on him ?

08 Oct 08

So tired, dont feel like waking up ...

No choice, had breakfast and out we go...

Today we need to visit the nissan ramen museum...

am eye opening for me coz there are so many different kinds of instant noodles..

and the kids get to design their own ramen cup at 300 yen..

Had our lunch ...very yummy too...

Back to hotel around 5pm..decided to walk alone in Hankyu dept store...ha ha

so happy to find my fancl products..compare to sin, it's cheaper...

bought dinner back to hotel ..mc pork & sushi..

while on my way back...i lost my way but i told myself..i can sure find my way back...

while walking...i suddenly think of this song from 张学友/别问
一個人要走多遠　歷經多少滄桑才會累
什麼地方才是家　為了誰才留下
一個人要想多久　歷經多少挫折才會懂
不再輕易掉眼淚　不再輕易說今生

無悔無怨　用一生做誓言
為誰放棄一切　我不再是我
誰又是誰

別問我的傷　別問我的痛
別問我的心中是否在流血
別問我是否心已碎
別問酒逢故人醉不醉

別問我的苦　別問我的悲
別問我的流浪是否很疲憊
別問我是否還有淚
別問魂縈舊夢對不對
也別問我會不會
...

suddenly i miss him so much again..feel like telling him 忘记你我做不到!

09OCT08
universal studio...full day





10OCT08
Visit panasonic center in the morning..very good talk , coz the product are so high
tech nowadays.
Had BBQ lunch
follow by shopping at shinsaibashi..wow lots and lots to shop there.
After that took train back to hotel..leg ache.

11OCT08
Last day in osaka...wake up abit later...and did some last min shopping for my boy..

While on board...i already feel the stress to head back sin...
Sigh...what to do , cannot don't go back rite.
When arr changi airport saw my little darling..he is still so skinny and tiny..
He is a sweet little one..he say mummy, do u know i miss you...
Me and him have got a strong bonding !

last day in osaka

hi friends...
i am still in osaka...decided to go to internet cafe to log in and see how are u guys...
alicia..cheer up...i know it not easy...but love yourself more k...
lotus..so happy to see your post but i will read it in detail when i am back in sin.
weather here is so hot lor...but i love japan...
think i will come back again...
just to let u guys know i am fine...
got so much to post when i am back..so many photos to show u all..

dear all gals....cheer up...
we are strong rite...

b4 my trip !

Had a heart to heart talk at paris ris park b4 my trip..
he mention that he hope i can have a good trip and maybe think over things..
I am confuse...he mention he may not be worth it after all...
Maybe i should really think things over...
of coz i am sad...and hug him b4 i leave...
Tears drop...

Good bye!

To all my cyber friends ..
Do take good care when i am away..
Will miss all your posting..

3 more hours i will be at the airport..and when u guys
are sound asleep...i will be on board the flight..
Heading towards the lovely osaka..with the QQ ramen.

For me travel alone is always lonely...and really i am scare of lonely.
But .. i tends to think better when i am alone..

Guess there will be alot of thinking to be done esp
in the middle of the night alone in the room...

Thanks to my mum in law..she help me tend to my boy
when i am away... and thanks to my boy that he understand it's due to work that i am travelling.

As for him...makes me worry..coz he looks so down.
I have say what i wan to say ..it's really up to him to
think things over and start a fresh.
Of coz i know easy say then done but if cont like that i scare he will walk to a end road ....

Enough abt all this...friends dont forget me k...

结婚戒指。

记得他在结婚典礼上给我套上的戒指…

它虽然不是几‘卡拉’的钻石戒指，也不是非常贵重。

但是对我来说它是这个世界上最完美无缺，最无价的…

因为它代表了，

我们之间的爱情…包含着我们俩细心经营的感情。

两个人能相遇，相知到相爱，是多么不简单的事。

有多少人真正的珍惜这份缘？

结婚典礼只不过是那么一两天的事。

但是接下来的婚姻生活却是一连串的…

一段婚姻的失败往往两人都要负上责任，只是多或少罢了。

我所该负责的是给于他太多的自由，只会为他着想，

事情发生了只会为他找一堆的借口…

养成了他不负责任的性格，

因为他知道，不管发生什么事，

我一定会原谅…

他所该负责的我也不必多说。

只想对自己说：醒醒吧！人变了，就是变了…

结婚戒指带上容易但是要摘下它就难了。

Packing...

Just finish my final packing for my trip ...
Don really seem like looking forward...
Guess am kind of worry for him ...

Last nite when i was at my mum place...suddenly in the mid nite not able to sleep...
Thinking about tell him things are not going to work if he cont like this...
Alot of words come to my mind...
But when i wake up today...i lose all the words...
Worse..when i see him later...I am gone case...
Whatever it is , i have decided later to tell him what i really hope and wish he would do..
Keep my finger cross..
Not sure if i can win ...but better say out then never rite...

Today i give myself 50 marks...

Hate weekends !!!

Today mood was bad ... face very black !
I hate weekends...coz no need to work then i will have so many time to think of
those things that will upset me...

This house that we bought 7 years ago...it's suppose to be my dream hsc..
Although it's just a HDB flat...but it's consider big and windy...
Love at 1st sight , lovely house...
Who knows after purchasing the hsc, in law intend to stay with us...Sigh !
So before even i move in , they move in one year b4 me...
then of coz i can't have the design of my own..
Well to me this is not the most important...
The thing that upset me is...this is call a house and not a home...
Nobody has a sense of belonging...
No love in this house...

Everyday both in laws spend more time downstairs playing cards..
Esp father in law...only comes home to eat , bath and shit...

Weekend even worse...all they know is horse , $$$ etc
Shit house rite..
This is the kind of up bringing in their family...
I hope , i wish , i pray that my only son will not grow up to be like them...
That also explain why i am know more fierce towards my son ,
I hope one day he will understand that mummy meant good to him.

Today 2 of my friends told me they are having their second baby...
Yes i am happy for them , but at the same time i am sad for myself...
How i wish i had a husband who knows how to think...
Who cares about the family more then himself...
He is just living in his small small world , with himself , horses , women , drinks and $..
If he is sensible enough .. i would have more then one kid...
I too wish for a daughter but really...with this kind of hubby , i dare not !
I already regret to bring boy to this world...how can i make the same mistake again ?

At least one good news for the day ...mum talk better today...
Later going over to her house and spend the nite there...really hope i won't step on mines again.

I think my boss also stress by me...ha ha ...
just now he called to say dream of me bring 4 luggage to his house asking for a place to stay.
He is not a person that understand me very well...but he care abt like a daughter...
He is a very homely person , who love his wife and daughter very much...
a very down to earth person...

So far there isnt anyone that really understands me...
10 years ago , i tot my boy friend who is currently my husband...really understands me..
Well like what i post before...he has change..
no longer the person that i once know....

Mood...

我累了。

近来感觉很累，做什么事都提不起精神。
有时想让自己开心一点都不行…

人们常说：做人别想太多，开心就好…
这真的很不容易。
不是我不想开心，
不是我砖牛角尖。

有时真的是事情找上我，躲也躲不了。

做人真的好难。

翻开昨晚的晚报，看见了15岁的女孩和22岁的男孩，双双约好一起自杀。
这是多么让人心痛的事！
如果当时有大人给他们的关心和正确的教导，悲剧还会不会发生呢？

韩星自杀…因为受不了压力，人言可畏真的会害死人。

像我工作的压力，
夫妻生活的压力，
孩子成长的压力，
还有妈妈无形中给我的压力。
真的好辛苦。
多希望她是个我可以讲心事的人，但是这是永远不可能的。
老公又不争气。

好想问问上天，我到底做错了什么？

真的做人很难！

Today i give myself only 40 marks...

see the pic ...

Yesterday was children's day...make the cake with my son...
After that i told him the cake is made for him...Happy children's day !
He was so happy...I had a great time bonding with him...
At night i cook dinner...wz 东瓜汤 and smiling meat balls...
another dish is mix vegetables...and another side dish...
But forget to take pic of all the above that i cook...

Also clean up the house a little .. and pack my clothings for my osaka trip...

Everything was fine yesterday...

But this morning gana scolded by my mum...was so upset over it...
Sometime really cannot stand her...so unreasonable...
She was angry with me coz yesterday she was having slight fever and i never go over to see her..
this am call and check how is she ...then gana
" u got mother mah ?"
" your mother and father all die liao mah?"
" all u know is stay home and watch your husband"

i know her point , i know where she coming from...but don use this kind of nonsense words on me...

矛盾的心态！

男人喜欢身边的女人服服贴贴，但也希望她不要太依赖自己…
真的很不容易。
以前的我是100%的小女人，眼里就只有老公，
他说一，我不会说二，
他说左，我不会说右。
听起来很没用吧！
但是在那时候…
一心一意只想这是个做老婆的责任，
要好好爱老公，要尊重老公。

后来知道老公有外遇后，
我从一位小女人变成了有主见的人，只要我认为不对的我就会发言。
说话时也不再轻声细语…

昨天老公有说到这点。
也许我是变了。
也许我们的步伐不同了。
也许我没有以前那么尊重他。
应为我会认为他辜负了我，不值得我付出。

也许如果我还要这段婚姻的话，
在适当的时后还是要做一下小女人，
跟老公撒撒娇…

做女人真难！