mix feeling today...

Got a lot of mix feeling today …
Just suddenly feel that the global will not stop turning for anybody…

Even if H1N1 spread the whole world…
Even if S.Korea ex-president threw himself off a cliff…
Even if N.Korea threat to attack S.Korea and US…
Even if there are earth quake…
Even if there are bombing around…

Even if someone declaring bankruptcy…
Even if someone get kill on the road…
Even if someone lose their job…
Even if someone got no income…

The global will still turn…
and days still goes on ,
the kids still needs to go school,
everyone still needs to eat…
and so on…

living in this world is already so stressful…
pls dont add on to my stress !!!
why do humans want to make matter worse ?
why can’t family life but more peaceful ?
why can’t everyone use their brain to think ?

if in life everything is fated so why should everyone bother to work ?
then better to stay at home to wait for things to happen since it fated…
then wait for money to drop from the sky , if you are fated to be rich…
these are excuses….

And I can’t understand…

I believe in fate but only 30%...
I believe 70% I will have to put in effort to work things out…
I believe in teaching my child of good manner when young…
I believe everyone got their chance in life
I believe things happen for a reason…
I believe in being truthful to partners
I believe in love
I believe in being a obey daughter
I believe in doing my duties as a mother
I believe in bonding with my son
I believe in doing my multi duties in life

I don’t believe in being rude means the child got a characters and a mine of their own…

But I never do them well…I must say…
There is an incident which prove that I am not a good mother…

There is this classmate of boy that pull both his legs and causing him to fell from the back and hit his head on the cupboard.
Of coz I am heart ache to hear that…and seeing his big “ bao” on the head , really hurts.
So as usual I went to school yesterday to check what really happens and
why I wasn’t inform
my husband will say I full of complain if he knows of this
( he never agree on things I do , but I don’t care…as a mother I feel I need to find out)
So while I was telling the teacher what happens , the boy walk in with his parents…
At that moment , I was thinking , should I tell the parent directly that your boy did something naughty to cause my son to fell and hurt his head…
Or should I just leave it to the principle to do the talking…
I have to admit that I am timid…
and my son actually very upset over why I never scold the boy…
The look in his eyes tell me so…being his mother , I know what he is thinking…
So last night ,
I ask him “ son , are you angry with mummy ?”
He say : “ no , but I am sad…”
I ask : “ why are you sad ?”
He say : “ this morning…”

See I knew it….

So I answer : “ is it because this morning , mummy saw that boy but never scold him for bullying you ?”
He say : “ yes”

So I went on to explain…” mummy knows you did not lie about the incident but the reason mummy never scold him is because I also want to give this boy a chance to explain of Why he did that and not just straight away point my finger at him and scare him and the parents…
If one day you did something that is not right , you also would want people to give you a chance to explain right ? “

He knock his head …

I went on :” I prefer to listen to both side of the story and leave it to the principle to due with the rest…”

“ and the other reason is also , mummy want you to learn to stand up and speak out and learn to protect yourself ,

Because I cant be there to protect you 24 hours and you have to really learn and I will always be there to listen to your happy things and sad things”

HA HA , Actually the reason is I timid … but I print him a beautiful picture…

Then I ask : “ do you accept my explaination ? “
He answer : “ yes”
I ask : “ are you still angry with me ?”
He say : “ no mummy …I love you, I will learn …”

I am not sure wherther this is the right way to educate son…
But I think so far so good…

And yes ..what the principle say about my son is right…
He is a nice boy…
He needs a lot of encourgement to speak out esp when he was hurt by others
He is a boy who will endure until he really can’t take it anymore…
This part I think he is just like me…

I got nothing to say about myself… just a failure
I put all my effort in my boy…
And I hope that I am able to educate him into a well manner boy …
I do not need him to be very successful in life…
But I hope that he will grow up to be a responsible person and knows what is right and wrong…

I been feeling very bad because lately there are a few activties going on in school
which also holds around 6.30pm
which of coz i am not able to attend...
i know he would prefer that i am there...
the worse to me is ... i can't depend on that man to attend...
which he never did...
other children , at least mummy cannot attend , daddy will attend...
well i got nothing to say , coz he is not at all involue...

守株待兔 !

春秋时期宋国有个农民。
他的田里长了一棵树，平常干活累了， 他就躺在树下休息。
一天，他正在田里耕种，忽然看见一 只兔子 惊慌地跑了过来，
一下子撞倒了树桩上，死了。
农民没费吹灰之力就得到了一只兔子，心里十分高兴，拎起兔子回家美美地吃了一顿。

从此，这个农民就再也不干农活了，整天守在树桩旁边，
等着兔子跑过来撞死在树桩上。
可是他再也没有遇到这样的好事， 发而把田里的庄稼全都荒废了。

Guarding the Tree Awaiting a Rabbit

In the country of Song during the Chun Qui period (literally "Spring Fall period" 770 to 476 B.C.), there lived a farmer who had a tree in his field. Whenever he was tired from working, he would rest under the tree.
On day he was tilling his field. Suddenly a panic stricken rabbit ran past him, crashed into the tree and killed itself. The farmer caught it with less effort than it takes to blow ashes. He was very happy to take it home for a delicious rabbit stew dinner.
From then on, he did no work in his field. He waited by his tree for another rabbit to run into it and kill itself. This didn't happen, and his fields lay fallow and bare.

Chinese idiom: 守 株待兔 (shǒu zhū dài tù - literally "guard tree wait rabbit" (You're waiting for a rabbit.)
Meaning: Foolishly waiting for a most unlikely windfall instead of doing any work.

My boss say this :

只有您从不言弃，
勇于面对，
您就能创造出奇迹 !!!

Cool and Calm..

To my own surprise ...
I was cool and calm...
A bit calm till i myself is scare.
I went to see someone but end up getting myself more confuse.
I start to feel ,i can't trust anyone esp myself..
sometime cannot even trust myself...
something scary happen last nite ...
i wont put into words of what actually happens
but i can only say i am scare ...very scare at that moment.
if this cont ...one of these day i will go crazy.
i really hope he can change.
is turning over a new leaf so difficult ?
is that my only way out ?
why there are so many this kind of cases around...
but everyone got one problem,
but i guess i am "lucky"...because i have all the problems...
and yes ... now not even god can help me...
and the crazy thing is ...i can even be so calm till i think of cooking
ginseng chicken soup tomorrow...
why am i so calm ?

Friday...

Yes it's friday...
but dont seem to be looking forward to weekends...
not sure why...
my boss have been out station for nearly a week...
kind of missing him in office...at least when he is around
we can work better..
although when he is back i will be expecting more work...
but i still look forward to it.
feeling myself like a living dead people...
trying to ignore lots of problem and hoping the problem will solve by itself..
is it possible ? of coz i got the answer...it's not possible lor.
what can i do ?
make the matter worse ? rub salt ? leave for good ?
yesterday my boy went to visit the new born baby...
when i reached home , he happily tell me , mummy can you give me a baby ?
ha ha ..not possible!
i rather give him a dog...
till today problems remain unsolve...
problems are still problems...
not sure if god can help to advise me on anything ?

自欺，欺人。。。

在人的一生。。。我认为， 最可怕的是。。。

自己骗自己。。。

我也何尝不是如此呢！



知道不可以这样下去。。。但是依然一头栽下去

我也何尝不是如此呢！

Tomorrow...i am going to see someone...
i shall then decide...

Panda..

Going to be a panda soon ....
every night cough till death...
think if this goes on , i am going to cough out blood liao.

Recently , "market" really quiet .. really today still got a bit of things to do..
or else if this goes on headache.. tell myself be positive..

Yah , a good news , my sis in law is giving birth today ...baby boy...
babies are cute...

As for me , in office having more p and c work to do.
and all along , i do not like to gossip with staff ...so whenever they gossip
and i walk pass ...they all keep quiet ... dont care lar..just do my work
and if the boss trust me , i will just do my part...

One thing to look forward this year , primary one registration in july 29.
Looking forward to that , and i already got a school in mind...
just a normal school but i choose it because of the student care inside the school
which i think will be better for boy... at least , when i work , i know that he
is well taken care of . since i cant depend on the man etc.

Since monday i been feeling very very funny...not sure how to put into words
but i know this is just not me...
looking tough on the outside...and should be soft on the inside but funny is ,
looks like inside also harden...maybe i am just too tired...of everything.

God ....just when will i deserve a better life....

The truth and The facts

How many person in this world really face the truth....
To me the truth is always hurting ...
Actually all along i been escape from the fact that i am not so important
in his heart...
there are so many so many incident for me to see...
but i just refuse to face it...
maybe he should feel his heart and tell me honestly where i really stands...
i think the answer will be i dont know...haha
dispute so many has happen ...i still believe in love.
I really believe love will change a person...
if this person dont change, it mean the love for you is not that strong.
or you can say the love may not be there.
I am just an little apple who loves to drink chinese tea and an little
apple that believe in love....
True love will make someone changes for you , am i right ?

weekends..

Last weekends was the very first week then there is no more
horse racing channel in my house ...
the reason is because , i cancelled it.
as i guess i had enough..giving chance one after another and to endure
nonsense from the group of people hoping that they would be more considerate
in the sense of dont smoke at my house etc...
whatever...it's over and for my boy ...i have got to take this step to go ahead
to cancel it...i know alot of people is not happy about it..
well i given enough chance , didn't i ?
but i dont see any improvement...so dont blame me for doing that...
it's for my son own good and for my house own good.
My son make egg sandwiches which he learn in school...
of coz to me , it's tasty...
my son enjoy it too.
as for the big one...think it's a cloudy day for him..maybe even lightning...
it not that i am on cloud nine...it actually hurts alot seeing him down and down
but honestly , i am a useless wife , coz i am not able to change him..
see how useless am i ...love can't change him , not even if losing a family
can hold him back ...even if you hammer him , it would be useless...
a person who choose not to wake up , will never ever wake up.
i know sooner or later i will go crazy with this kind of life style..
sooner or later i will get really tired...
what to do next....appleteas is not sure.
but really this is not the way to treat the family ...in fear !

human living in this world..

well...nothing much to say today ...
seem like posting the same thing over and over again.
till even myself is sick of it...
the only thing i would like to say is...
we are not living alone is this world.
everything we do will affect those that are around us.
just like if i am having a very bad day in office and in a lousy mood...
yes i need to have a drink to relax myself but most of the time i am not
able to do so...because i still got a little one waiting at home and
it's my duties to be home after work to attend to him.
so this means we are not alone living in this world..
we can't just say , i wont be home tonight...
we can't just say , i am going out till dont know what time...
things like that...
we can't just leave the country and throw every responsible to the next better player.
where the hell is the sense of responsible ?
where the hell is the duties of parents , kids , etc etc.
like in ofc , if my boss is away for few days...
you think the next people will be able to take over his job ?
i tell you ...no body is able to take over anybody...
and i dont care how the hell is you in person..
so what if you are self central and refuse to change your stupid pattern and
exp the whole world to be able to take your nonsense ...
you must be crazy...sooner or later people will get tired of you...
if you dont turn back your head and think for yourself , no one in this world
can think for you...yes not even your parent who can't even safe themselves.
i am not here to endure and endure....
i am not here to pay back my debt of my prev life...
i am not sure why god send me here but there must be a reason of why ...

Back to work force !

After a day of sleep...finally back to work force today.
Actually better to work.
because i feel lonely at home..esp when i am sick..
alone in a empty house ...
i never like to feel lonely...
actually i think my house is call a house and not a home...
what is the diff between a house and a home...
the diff to me is great...
house is just for people to come back to sleep ,
as for a home , people who lives in there can talk anything under the sun and
people inside there care and concern about each other.
people inside has a responsible to each other and have wonderful dinner together.
the person who currently keep me going is of coz my dearest son...
he has got a sweet mouth...he say mummy i will take care of you with my love.
sweet right.
but i scare he is too soft...his cousin always bully him and just last nite
i heard that she dont allow boy to play with her toys and even push him and bit him.
as a mother , what should i teach my son?
i can't ask him to bit back right ?
i can only say ...that is because she has not learn how to share and good children
will know how to share. and he just knock his head ..then say but mummy jie jie
push and bit me ! i told him never bit anyone , just go to a grown up and tell he
or she what happen and the grown up will settle the rest.
i am not sure am i teaching the right thing but seeing my own son let people
bully , it does hurt.
what can i say ? tell him to hit back or fight ?
that is not my way of doing things.
i told him learn to protect yourself , dont just stand there and let her hit...
run...i think i am the worse mother in the world.
and i can't go and teach my sis in law daughter to behave.
sigh !!!

MC...

Was on Mc the whole of today...
down with bad cough for a month and also flu...
but it's not swine flu ..
slept the whole of today...
only one word ...sweet dreams ...
so long never sleep so much and sleep so well...
this mc cause me never turn up for a important meeting today...
sigh ! what to do ...

money or family

lets post about work...finally start work in my new unit...
it good to have everything new...
and i am not at all wishy washy at work...but come to family life...
i always dont want to face the fact...
in life is money the most important things ?
money important or family important ?
of coz i know no money cannot ...
bu for me , i choose family more important...
a home have to be a place where you are able to relax and be yourself , a place full of respect and love , care and concern...
my home is not a good place for kids...
at times i just wonder what kind of mum am i ?
selfish i guess... holding on to a home that is loveless...
everyone in the house is too self central..
the worse fear is not a matter of walking toward a wrong path in life..
the worse fear is infact , knowing that you are heading the wrong way ..
but still cont to walk and finally reach a stage that you got no way to turn back.
once you reach a stage that there is no way to turn back , it scary...
what next ? cont the journey ? or stop walking ?
i am not sure !

Posting in my new office...

So happy coz i am now posting in my new office unit...
with a swimming pool view and using my net book...
it nice to move upstairs ...and guess by monday we will start work
in this new unit ...
looking forward to it...
and yes tomorrow is a holiday..plan to bring boy out...
and sunday is mothers day ...
i wish every mother include myself a happy mother's day...
may all our kids be healthy and cheerful always!
cheers to all mothers !

Paranoid !!!

I was so upset yesterday night...tears actually drop down but i control it back...
Actually i mean to say put on a shirt coz there is another outsider around in the
house , that's my sis in law new maid...
to me is a respect and also how you carry yourself...
but of coz end up we dont agree with each other coz as usual
his big eyes and hurting words and yes he say i am paranoid...
ok ..if you say so ...and even turn my words around...
that's is the thing that i can't take it...
nowadays he talk to me also without respect...very sad .
and everything i say he will not agree with me.
it become like i am the odd one out...
deep inside i felt very upset.
but i decided to just leave it...
why should i force a person who don even know how to gain people respect..
why should i make my own life difficult..
come to think of it , i got nothing to lost...
it he who dont know how to treasure the family life...
it's his lost.
he who lost his way , will forever lost his way if he doesn't want to find the right path ....

ok something to be happy about...
our new office is almost ready and yes me and my boss went to ikea to buy
the book shelf , tables etc...
so far we are quite happy to be in this company...we would have proven ourselve if not for the H1N1 case...our sales would have increase...
no choice, just got to see how it goes...
and yes M has bought me my hp pointer , and would be bringing it to me by this week.

swimming...

this noon had a date with M ..at his condo ...
he ask me to bring boy there for a swim
and very lucky , today weather very good..
and of coz boy had a great time...
at first he scream like nobody business coz he is very scare.
then M let him gain trust and then boy finally swim with M holding him.
Seeing them having a great time , i am really very happy too!
The pic of seeing the boy enjoying our company is just very beautiful!
and i really thank you M for giving boy such a wonderful time.

Back at home , boy cousin came ...
they like to play with each other but everytime shortly after that this cousin
of his will always throw temper at him ...and everytime bully him etc...
i think i am not a very good mother... i cant protect him and always ask him to
give in to the cousin...even if the cousin is in the wrong.
sign !!! what to do , i can got the right to teacher my son so how can i teacher other people kid ...
that why my boy become so " soft" like me!
I am so sorry my boy ...

swine flu !

Indeed...this has been a very big problem for me...
in total already 4 trips been cancelled...
heart pain...because me and my boss put in so much effort.
what to do ...things happen for a reason.
although no more confirm trip for me to go but i still believe god closed a door
on us but he will open another door for us....
of coz when i get to know group being cancel even to aust , taiwan , seoul etc..
at first really cannot get over it...because we are just about to hand in out
a very good report book on our dept but then this thing happen ...
although in our country there is no confirm cases just yet but it's only
right for our govt to be very on the ball...
that night i went for my sauna...after that i feel really good...
and the next day i am ready for battle again...
and i hope this swine flu will quicky go off..or else my industry will be in big trouble...
keep my finger cross...pray real hard and dont give out!!!