very upset today

I force myself to be harsh to him...
talk alot of harsh words to hurt him..
after saying those words..tears started to drop..
because this is not me...i have not used harsh words on him for these years..
it hurts ...really hurts and my heart feel so pain...
but i know that i have got no choice but to move on...
because he cant change and i cant accept this kind of life style
best for everybody ...i guess this is the only way.
but really it's very hurting.
i am not sure after losting him what will my life be ?
but for him ..i think it would be better because debt can clear and can
gain back his freedom ..and to go overseas to work...etc
but it's just really very hurt...
and tears kept dropping down.
after housing matters , next got to settle our marriage problem...
i feel so stress... i feel so pressure.
and i have to act like i dont love him anymore...
i really dont know..
but someone was telling me...would you rather your child got a bad example to
follow and have a unhappy mum or would you rather he dont have this father
but got a happy mum to live with ? quite true...but it just hurts !

what is the real feeling?

saw a lot of brain dead example...
but who can tell me how do it feel for heart dead ?
is it painful ? or will it be something like no feelings ?
i wonder ?!?
i nearly get into a stage that i go crazy ..
nearly ! lucky i suddenly think of my boy and i tell myself i cannot allow
such things to happen to myself...
u know that kind of feeling where u take a train and feel everybody is soooo noisy and u really feel like cannot take the noise...
last night or i should say this morning at 4am... he came back with the whole
body full of the strong perfume smell...
i hate it... whole night i got headache because of the smell , i cant sleep...
someone pls tell me how to let heart die...
i can see it coming to an end ! soon ... very soon !!!
this is a promise to myself.

What next ?

Have been missing in action for the last month ...
because i have been very confuse about my life...
my career , my family everything... is in a mess.
Career is not getting anywhere..focus is different..
wish to get out of it asap...
home... even worse , why ? my life is never smooth...
i just want a normal family that every one concern and love each other..
am i asking for too much ? i just want everyone to do their part , am i asking
for too much ? why cant he be just a normal husband ?
i am getting confuse and tired !
everything is not getting anywhere!

a bad day!

today is my dad 13 years death anny... and today i lost my uncle ..
the uncle that i mention about thus morning in my blog ...
he passed away at noon and we are by his death bed.
we cried..although we know that we should not.
because he has suffer long enough..
and back home... worse things happen...
dont really wish to mention about it..
it just trouble...
eyes very very pain now !
everything happen for a reason...
i also dont know what to say now...
i am confuse !

my uncle...

sometimes i really wonder... why are we in this world ? and what are we
suppose to achieve ? and having achieved , we are not able to take everything with us
upon death ... it just makes me wonder...
went to visit my uncle at the hospital last week...
seeing him suffer , make everyone of us heartache...
but his will of power to live is very very strong...
to me , everything is fated ...just like when it's time to go i will have to go..
it's just fix by the god...
but at least , he has got his love ones all around him , to be there to comfort him.
and to be honest , i did not and have not address the "wife" as aunty ..from
the very beginning ... because in my heart , i have only one aunty who passed away
many many many years ago... not sure why when i was a little girl till now ,
i can't bring myself to call her .. it's only untill that day when i was in hospital ,i saw how she loves and care about my uncle and how she comfort him etc ,
tears drop ... suddenly out of the blue , i just call her aunty ...
i guess i am touched by her action... but at the same time after calling her
that , i was angry with myself for days ...
anyway this really has got no business of mine ...it's just a little
secret in my heart since young...(no one knows these secret..not even my mum)
how i saw my real aunty heart break to see the husband bring the woman back
and how they used to laugh and talk infront of her...
and how she drop tears infront of me when i was just a little girl...
i just cannot forgive , until now... but i guess today i have forgiven!
and surprisingly , i can still remember how aunty looks like ....

to my dearest aunty in heaven ...
although i called the other person aunty...but u are still my dearest aunty...
i have not forgotten you. i remember how you hang on to the family although it
hurts your heart...
and i did not told you before ...i love you!

p/s : wish i can write this in chinese because i can espress better.

Jack Neo...

Who knows better of the kind of feeling for being betray by the one who sleep
next to them ...the husband...
have been reading their news..not because of kpo...
but it's because i can really understand how the wife feel..
and how she really love this family and the man and the kids...
this happens to be before too...
althought i dont have as much kids as they have,
although i am not a christine...
but our love for our man is almost the same...
and there are also people saying , i am at fault too ...
and to mrs neo... u have to hang on and honestly , its not going to be a
easy path for u and family , esp yours kids are big enough to understand...
and there will be lots and lots of comment about u and etc etc...
and mr neo may do it again few years later...BUT
Since u choose to forgive , u also have to forget...
trust yourself..trust your man .. and leave happily ever after..
you will have my blessing ,although i dont know you...
Jia You...

Time passes too fast

Can't believe chinese new year is coming ...
very tired... last year was too tiring for me ...
the most headache part of coz is home matters.
and worse now own boss a ren qin..
cannot resign anytime.
and my kid start p1 .. very forgetful..
school work still quite good.
and now temper getting a little bad..
i just hope my 2010 will be better..